He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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