i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
