Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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