he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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