Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
