I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
