If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
