My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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