This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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