my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
