The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.