who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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