The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
