we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So much rum. So many feels.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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