I accidentally had phone sex last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
