Soap is not a condiment
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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