my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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