An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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