i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
