so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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