yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You are the jesus of drinking
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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