i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
