I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
