I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
