Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
