he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
