you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
