i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
