Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
