You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
no, he came in my armpit
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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