She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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