Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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