Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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