I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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