Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
