I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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