I'm lost and stupid without you.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
