there's paper in my vomit.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
