i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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