Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
