In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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