Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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