i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
