Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
