She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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