Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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