someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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