I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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