i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
