i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
