she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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