just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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