mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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