Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
