If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
