I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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