my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
